the end.

 
Last night's "LOST" was beautiful.

I'm not a TV watcher as a rule, but I've been enraptured all six years.
Okay, I'm a total Lostie.

And no matter what anyone says, I think the season [I can't quite bring myself to say "series" just yet] ended perfectly!

I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye to Vincent, Smokey, the Hatch, the Hippie Van, the Polar Bear and the Others forever, but if I learned anything from that masterfully executed episode,

it's okay to let go and move on. 

[the LOST party I went to last night had awesome

favors like Dharma "beer"- mine was Diet Pepsi- and fish

biscuits]

Good thing I still have my pictures from the set to brag about. :)

okay. I'm totally ready to move back to "The Island."

Who knows... perhaps it's my destiny?

cross your fingers.

love, light, and loss,

Banana

I....

......miss Hawaii!!!!

Will it ever forgive me for abandoning it?

Today I particularly miss:

-yowling, mating feral catsong in the night

-hi chews

-that eating spam was okay. even encouraged.

-(somewhat) safely picking up hitchhikers and kindly being offered marijuana in return

-sunrise rituals with the ocean, the sand, my thoughts, and God

-warm rain dancing

-rainbow-speckled moonshine

-handlebar cruiser rides through laie

-climbing mountains and seeing a new, soul-taking view every few minutes

-birds and dumptrucks waking me up every morning

-aloha. aloha aloha aloha.

love.

comradery.

campfires and songs and mud and toes

and insence and water and flowers and sand and smiles and

long, satisfied, thankful breaths.

every single magical day.

Homeless

My existence is entirely transitory at this point.

I feel like I should be living in my car except I don't really even have a car to live in.

oh dear.

Okay.

Sometimes I just feel like a big, mean ole, awful, selfish bore.
Sometimes I am.
Sometimes I realize basically everything I do- all day, every day- is for me! For comfort and justification and instant gratification. It makes me feel heavy. And bothersome.

I'm going to do a little spring cleaning.
Start living for others.
It's about time.

• air out and patch relationships
• dig spiritual habits and goals out of storage
• scrub and polish for a clean, bright, shiney future
• mend and organize finances (money stresses me out like nothing else can and I'm not of any use to anyone when it's all I think about)
  
• love love love every day and every one in every possible way I can show it

"Three things in human life are important.
The first is to be kind.
The second is to be kind.
And the third is to be kind."
-Henry James

And, oh life is beautiful! I miss my warm, sunshiney, healing Hawaii home
but am so happy to be in my chilly, familiar, foresty Washington home.
I love my family so much!

I'm going to be better, kinder, wiser, and more appreciative.
I have so much to appreciate:

List of happies I collected over the last month or two

sherbet skies -knowing I can be better - funny quotes - waking up without an alarm clock - memories - friends: old and new - birds - slip n' slides - feeling intelligent - sunday mornings - -sultry acoustic - Hawaii sun, Hawaii breeze - delicious fragrances: natural and otherwise - self control - I am going to China next year - Iron and Wine - anticipated success - holding hands -sandwiches - France - philosophy - wind - adreneline - stir fry - toast - Tessa Brady - eskimo kisses - performing - sleeping in - serving - wonderful wonders in the mail that are so thoughtful I carry around the package all day -comradery - the future - watching someone else watch the person they love - granola - the future - friends, lovers, family - people in general - acai - sad, droopy, testicular cancer dog friends on the beach - making strangers smile - good grades - self-help books - yoga - spontanaiety - greek architecture - dreams - s'mores - organization - The Zoo - sing-alongs - napping with friends - pretty notebooks, pretty things - sweet, kind, thoughtful boys - lucky number 11 - witty british documentary series - new book smell - listening to Jessica Fenenbock sing and letting it make me cry - love - nutella - being a free bird - Shea Stott - smart people - bunnies. of all kinds.

Love. peace.
-Banana

Leaving

A somewhat melodramatic poem I wrote on the plane flight back from Hawaii. Part of a renewed effort to share what I write without dying of shame.

"Leaving"
I tried to give the island a goodbye kiss
but it melted at my touch.
An eight-month mirage,
dissolved in a minute.
and leaving nothing but a bit of sand in my ears to remind me.

I tried to hug the ocean,
cradle the sunset,
fill my lungs so full with the precious sunshine
that a little pocket might stay there forever-
Sweetening each breath with a bit of illumination.

But they each slipped through somehow.
dripped through my fingers,
poured through my memory,
then washed right over me.
The horizon turned black
and the waves went to sleep.
I want to go back.
but the sea would get one taste
and spit me right out.
"You don't belong here," it would say.
"Look at your pale skin,
your tired eyes,
your unrealized ambitions."
And so i would turn to leave,
nothing but the echo of the tide
and the dull roar of the engine
to lull me to sleep.
Whispering through my sandy ears
and bursting through my aching heart.Aloha Oe, my beautiful Island. I'll be back someday.

Love, jet lag, and sorry no meter or rhyme scheme,
Anna

Oh, Herman...

"We cannot live only for ourselves.
A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men;
And they come back to us as effects."-Herman Melville

• Song for the day: "The Promise" by Tracy Chapman
• Poem for the day: "In October..." by Michael Hamburger
• Plan for the day: Live in Indianapolis this summer

love and things,
Anna

Breaking Things (like...norms)

Today I went swimming in the ocean.
In the daytime.

Without my swimsuit.

Cheers!

"I am merely an instrument"

"And you, sir, are out of tune!"

"Joyful Noise" by Tim slover
my first time playing a "possibly still syphilitic whore".
And my first university show.
I got to sing and act with dear friends and was redeemed at the end through song and "The Messiah." (the song one and the real one)

And it was good.

love, itchy wigs, and Hallelujah choruses,
Anna

Mazel Tov

My dear ones near and far made this 11/11 one of the very best yet.

Highlights

• unit party with cupcakes
• performing at university devotional
• thespian bowling party
• copious amounts of phone calls and texts
• trip to "europe" complete with dancing, baguettes, cheese, pie, cigars, wine, german birthday traditions, and roman holiday. We all used pre-determined european accents.
• Being mawled with hugs by the male population of the byu-h concert choir

love, cake, and banana button babies,
Anna

My Life as a Bum

So... what do you get when four rather eccentric people voyage into the mountainous jungle barefoot in the dead of night on the rainiest of weekends?

Existential literature in a tree house dangling precariously over a ravine, of course!

And a drippy night under ragged blankets with a beautiful view.
And a whole lot of dirt, grime, and sour airhead wrappers.

What kind of a bum would I be if I didn't hang out at the bus stop to wait out the rain?

Emily's face.

Good morning, 'Nam!

...And spending the next day eating things like spam and pancakes, fording rivers, watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF, and giving each other raspberries.

love, filth, and hobo urine-saturated mattresses,
Anna